why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
