the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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