so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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