if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
