so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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