Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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