im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
