He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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