My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
