i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
