Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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