you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
