just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Randomize
