I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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