Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
