I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
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