god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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