made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
