he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
