ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Randomize
