Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
