my phone cant type all the emotion im having
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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