peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
