Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Randomize
