I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
