i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
