I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
