I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
