so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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