just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
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