I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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