so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
