We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
