Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
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