I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
