ugly people sure do ruin things
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Can you bring me the toilet please
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
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