k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
