just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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