My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
