as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
