Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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