Your tits are I can't wait for
high people should be assigned attendants
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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