i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
