I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I can text with my tongue
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
