His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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