Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
