atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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