You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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