just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
