the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
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She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
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We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
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