he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
