im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
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