i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'm too high and old for this...
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
