im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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