I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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