I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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