took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
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