My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
Randomize
