ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
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